Wednesday, November 28, 2012

And then I cried...

November has stunk!  Like a big ole fart! Stunk like a skunk! Are you picking up what I am putting down???

Really I should be drugged up and in a padded room - the stress in my pudgy body is insane!

19 days(nights) ago I woke up to feed baby B and had insanely itchy hands and feet.  It was not gone the next morning. The next day I went to the walk in clinic to make sure I wasn't contagious. While getting out of the car at the clinic I pulled my quad muscle.  I mean puuuuuuuuuulled that bad boy!  I may have said a bad word.  In public.  Thankfully the kids were not present to learn a new word.

I was told to take an anti-histamine for the itch and some anti inflammatory gel for the leg.  Then I sat on the couch with a corn ice pack.  Two days later at boot camp I did only upper body work - because the leg was dead.  I went to get up off my mat after some ab work and pulled the other quad. Whuck! I probably should have stayed home for that week - but that schmidt is expensive.  There is no refund for fat girls who over do it and injure themselves - not that I asked(stupid me!)  I also am a goober and suck at admitting I need help or I can't do something.

Cue to today.  I am still covered in what I have now discovered are hives.  I have seen 3 doctors and taken a trip to the ER when they were in the back of my throat.  The drugs are doing nothing but making me so stoned I don't hear my baby cry at night.  So since lying on the couch isn't an option for days on end I am sober and itchy.  FOR 19 DAYS STRAIGHT!!!!  If there was a floor made of sandpaper I would roll around on it.  You would hear me groaning in pure joy to itch these nasty spots.

The hives attack at different times of day and on different parts of the body. I have had parts of my face numb, puffy lips, a swollen eye, feet so swollen I can't walk on them, and then just the general loveliness of being covered in red itchy spots.  I have cold showers and then make sure to only lightly touch my skin with a towel to get off the big water drops - no rubbing.  I have said goodbye to my beloved cup of coffee and as much sugar as I can - processed and naturally occurring.  I miss apples and coffee in an insane way.  I have dreams of drinking a latte.  It's mental!

I don't wear socks around the house so my feet stay somewhere in the range of frigid  I avoid sitting on the couch because the warmth of being cocooned in the cushions gives me hives on the tush(nothing is sacred!!!)  I am cold as I don't wear a sweater till I shiver because if I am warm I have more hives.  In the evenings I sit with ice packs on my feet, around my neck and on my arms and legs - the ice helps keep the swelling and outbreaks to a minimum. I stopped drinking warm drinks because it made my throat itch.  It is November and instead of being snug as a bug under a blanket sipping tea I am freezing my fanny off.

Yet I have dragged myself to bootcamp - at least once a week the feet are too swollen to walk so I have only made it 2 times a week the last 2 weeks.  I have worked around my buggered up quads(which are doing quite well).  I have gone with no make-up and fuzzy Texas bangs that look (gasp) cute!  I have enjoyed it - and on Monday I did a push up.  It was pathetic really but for the first time ever in my life I was able to do one push up while on my toes rather my knees - small victories people!  Small victories! It was only one.  My arms shook like mad and I didn't get all the way down - but it was one push up.

Last night baby B was up a lot.  I got 3.5 hours of sleep in total.  It's a full moon.  J-man had a very big appointment with a doctor(more about that later), J's had lots of behaviour issues at school - 6 school write ups in the last 2 weeks alone.  Miss G is feeling the effects of having a high needs brother, a new sister, a busy family business, and now a sick mama - and the attitude is pretty spectacular.  I was fragile to say the least.  But I pressed on.  I put on my yoga pants and shoes that hurt because my feet were swollen.  I did my first real push ever, on Monday.  I wanted to do more even if I felt like donkey poo!

So I got to bootcamp.  I was feeling like crap.  I sucked at pretty much everything.  My feet hurt too much to wear shoes so I took them off.  I had no energy and could barely hold a plank.  Every muscle kept cramping.  Basically - the body was shot to heck.  The instructor came to check on me - I imagine because I looked like a nut - no shoes and stopping so much.  And that broke the damn.

I couldn't stop.  I burst into tears.  Right there in the middle of bootcamp on my freaking yoga mat.  Surrounded by women I don't know - and now must think I am a complete loon!  Ever tried to do a push up with snot and tears rolling down your face?  I was embarrassed beyond belief yet there was no way I could stop.  I would stop the flood of tears only to go on to mountain climbers with the evil bosu ball - and next thing I knew I was crying like a blubbery baby again.  I sobbed my way through the plank, sit ups and finally just gave in and sat down.  My lovely instructor came and talked with me - they really do have the nicest instructors.  I did the cool down stretches and then bolted as fast as my wobbly 'I did squats today' legs would carry me.  Got to my ubber sexy mom van and thought now I can cry and no one can see - and the well was dry.  What the heck????

Got home, did the mom thing, saw a specialist for my boy, felt physically exhausted and spent.  Ordered pizza - and didn't feel one bit guilty(I didn't blow my calorie amount for the day but no one would call Thai chicken pizza a health food).  Realized that we were about to run out of milk.  Whuck!  Did a quick meal plan and headed to Safeway.  I was the only shopper with a cart.  I wandered the aisles and soaked up the silence.  It was like the spa - only the cucumber was in the cart not on my puffy eyes.

Now I just dumped all this into a post - a brain dump if you will.  I am itchy, teary and drinking luke warm tea.  It's gotta get better right?  Eventually I will get sleep.  Soon I will not be ready to crawl out of my skin.  My big kids will chill out.  The referrals for my son will come through.  And I will be one skinny cut babe...or at least able to do 2 push ups.  Right?

**Tomorrow I will be sane again.  I won't cry.  Tomorrow I will deal with immunizations for the baby, and calling the school about my son.  I will make dinner.  I may even fold the towels that are sitting in the dryer for the last day and a half. Today sucked.  Tomorrow will be better.  If not - tomorrow will have wine. A lot of wine - calories be damned!

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