Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Day 9 - The family brag letter

When I was growing up my sister and I would anxiously await the mail every December.  Not for the money from Grandma & Grandpa, not for presents from the Aunties and Uncles, but for the hideous family brag letters that would accompany the mountains of Christmas cards we received.

It's not that Marcy and I loved to read about everyones thrilling previous year.  Oh no - we made fun of those people.  In typical sarcastic fashion we would line them up and give them awards like most barftastic, gag me with a fork perfection, and kill me now I can't take it.  That was back in our younger years - so we have honed our sarcasm skills with age.

But something has happened - now instead of the letters arriving at my parents - they are coming to my mail box.  And - GASP - I think people expect me to write one too!!!!  Some are actually entertaining - I have one friend that includes a page of funny things her kids said - love that.  From other letters I also get to hear about every badge little so-and-so earned in girl guides - kill me now!

So in order to not be thrown under the Christmas bus at my house (you're all scared to mail them to me now aren't you?) here are the rules to avoid the Ej & Marcy sarcasm awards - 1 page of info about the family - I do not need 6 pages of info including all about your colonoscopy!  Pictures are great - but I do not need 85 shots of you enjoying all the monuments of Europe.  1 picture or one page with a collection of shots - that's it!  No more.  Got it?  Good.

In case you have managed to not receive a Brag Letter or perhaps you need inspiration for this years version I have written a sample below complete with Jesus Juke.


Dear Friend or Family member not lucky enough to be us,

            2011 has been a wonderful year.  We are thinner, richer, and more stress free then ever before.  Mr. Perfect and I celebrated our bazillonth wedding anniversary.  We flew all our important friends and family to Hawaii and threw a big celebration on the beach.  We had a wonderful time renewing our vows and proving that we really are the perfect couple.
            Little Jonny continues to be the perfect son.  He gets straight A’s, and is currently being recruited by universities.  He’s only 7 but such a smart boy.  He has won every award and championship imaginable in hockey, baseball, and golf.  Such a blessing!
            Little Jane continues to perfect her golden curls and can speak both Spanish and French fluently thanks to the preschool for the gifted that we enrolled her in.  She never watches TV, as we believe that rots a child's brains, so she has lots of time to study art.  She is currently studying Monet.  It’s amazing what skilled parenting can do for children.
            Mr. Perfect got another promotion and we currently have so much money we don’t know what to do with it.  So we took the kids to Mexico to hand out school supplies, then we went back to our all inclusive and celebrated our giving spirit!
            I continue to be the perfect mother and wife.  I maintain a perfect size 6 body, always wear Lulu Lemon pants to school and volunteer in the classroom and school library.  I have forgotten to have my own identity but that is okay as my living room is decorated to perfection, kind of like me.
            We wish you a wonderful holiday and a joyous New Year.  We are surprising our kids with a Disney Cruise and will be unable to attend the family gatherings but would like to remind all our family and friends that  ‘Jesus is the Reason for the Season’.

Blessings,

The Perfects

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