Friday, July 29, 2011

Keepin it real Friday!

Just so you don't think I have it all together (stop laughing) I'm introducing 'Keepin it Real'. I'll take a picture of something in my house that is horribly embarrassing or a sign that people live here - take your pick.

If you feel like you house is messy, or that you aren't cutting it as SuperMom - look no further than Keepin it Real!  Either you are glad you aren't messy like me, or you're glad you have company in clutterville!

Today's Keepin it Real - is my kitchen table.  Covered in mail, papers, lists of things to bring when we go camping, my purse, Mac, sunscreen - all things that have places to go yet I plopped down right here in hopes that the clean up fairy will come along.  In 30 minutes dinner will be served here - Keepin it Real!

Dinner is served????

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Setting the Bar

Before entering the sweet abyss of motherhood I had standards.  Certain things, that I never realized would change, have gone into uncharted territory.

Like using the toilet.  Pre-kid (aka PK) going to the bathroom occurred like this :
  • walk into bathroom
  • turn on light
  • close door
  • proceed to use clean toilet
  • wash hands
  • turn off lights and open the door
The.End.

 Now Post-kid (Po-K):
  • Sense urge to use the loo while chasing new puppy down the hall, as said new puppy has grabbed my new and super cute ballet flats.
Super cute ballet flats!!

  • Break apart fighting children.
  • Chase shoe stealing puppy again - this time with my pink flip flop
  • Decide I may pee my pants if I don't get to the bathroom.  Start undoing my pants as I run/walk to the loo.  Peeing my pants is becoming a close reality.
  • Walk into bathroom.  No need to turn on the light as 6 year old left it on.  Leave door open so I can hear if children start fighting again, and so new puppy doesn't scratch the new trim or door.
  • Notice toilet is full of a #2 but no toilet paper.  Gag. Flush
  • Sit down - which is the silent command for Dude to push Missy, and Missy to retaliate with a fist to the side of Dude's head.  
  • Dog goes running by with the other ballet flat in her mouth
  • Suddenly overtaken by the strong odour of pee.  Lean over and see puddle on base and behind toilet left by obviously aim deficient Dude
  • Yell at dog running by again, this time with Missy's knock off pink Ugg
If I could make this face - I would!
  • Pull up pants, flush, walk out of bathroom while doing up my belt.  Find Missy and instruct her to go wipe her bottom, flush, and wash her hands
  • Find Boy and tell him that peeing on the toilet, wall and floor is disgusting.  Make mental note to have hubby give aiming lessons to Dude. 
  • Give Dude lysol wipe and point to areas to be cleaned.  Have Dude wash hands.
  • Take another wipe and clean around the toilet just in case the 6 year old didn't do thorough job.
  • Wash my own hands finally.
  • Turn out light as I leave bathroom.
  • Track down shoe stealing dog and reclaim faux Ugg, ballet flat, and flip flop.
 Let's not even discuss making breakfast!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My mama told me...

...there would be days like this!

Days where my children drive me bonkers, like I'd bungee jump off a bridge just to have 5 minutes where the only one screaming is me, bonkers!!

And then today happened - dun dun duhhh (sing it like Pablo)

Up first on drive me over the edge day - computer trouble.  Poor Mac - he's getting old :(

After that I sent the kids off to play in the backyard while I whipped up a tasty and nutritious lunch(that was sarcasm if you missed it).  Since the kids were outside they felt it was their duty to warn other people in the neighborhood that wild animals were approaching.  Animals such as snails, slugs, or the very deadly butterfly.  If you are my neighbor - I am sorry for the false alarm, and can you please throw the golf ball, and dog squeaky toy back over the fence if you get a minute?

Next up we had your basic lunch of complaints - in no particular order.  "The crust on my grilled cheese is too brown!" "That's YUCKY!" "I don't like this." "I'd rather not eat"  After this overwhelming show of love for my cooking I ate my now cold soup and choked down a stale rice cake.  Yes I am quite the foodie!

After clean up I went to to check on the angelic children(that I birthed drug free) only to discover that Little Miss has taken a whole lot of water from the bathroom into her room to use in the play kitchen aka The Great Flood of July 2011.  Cue weeping and hysterics as I clean it up and remove the kitchen and soggy toys from her room. Then I realize the windows are open and my neighbors are probably calling social services due to the screaming child.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

As I pass the office I give my work-from-home hubby the stink eye for failing to notice the running water mere inches from him, wipe tears, and then load up the kids into the car and go to the library.

The library went fairly well, other than the Little Miss trying to climb onto the check out counter and refusing to pick a book.  Next we went to the park to look at the drug deals ducks and marvel at the storm clouds - RUN FOR THE CAR!!!!!!!

Got back to the car, drove home, broke up a few brother/sister fights, ran the dog around the back yard once the down pour stopped. T-H-R-I-L-L-I-N-G stuff I tell ya!

Up next dinner prep!!!  Another culinary masterpiece I assure you.

Hearing screaming of biblical proportions I slam dinner in the oven and race upstairs.  I discover that the Little Dude has taken some toys into the loo and put them in the sink then ran the water.  Who knew they would go down the drain??????  I grit my teeth, then I freak out calmly tell Little Dude that playing in the bathroom, especially with small toys is not a good idea.  Dude FREAKS out when I cannot retrieve toys.

Hubby is on the phone for business so I usher children into their bedrooms - Dude continues tantrum.  I debate calling it a day and putting everyone to bed.

I begin to unravel at this point.  After 10 calming breaths I attempt to discuss with the Little Dude - no dice!  Scream-a-thon continues.  I, like any good mother, go downstairs to finish dinner. 

Dinner brings the usually refusal of the Little Miss to eat anything not covered in sugar or Ranch Dip.  Little Dude won't eat without ketchup(gah!)  I am eyeing the liquor cabinet.  Hubby is blissfully unaware of my inner melt down.

I refuse to do dinner clean up and sit on couch in a daze.  Kids go outside to fight over whatever they can think of including, but not limited to, how to pester the dog.  I rescue the dog.  Dog repays me for my kindness by slinking away and pooping in 2 spots in the living room - which I don't find till I go to get something and am hit by the strong odor of Doggie Poo Poo.

I burst into tears as hubby takes kids upstairs for baths.  I sit down again and have a 2 minute pity party.  Then I call my mother for sympathy.  None given as her 6 lb dog is barking to go for a walk.  I snark at my mother and hang up.  Phone dies before I can call sister to complain about day or the fact that a dog that weighs less than my purse out ranks me.

Get rags, bags, and cleaner and deal with the poo.  Cry as I am blotting the carpet - thankfully the snot in my head from the tears blocks the scent of poo - I'm a half full kinda gal!

Put rags in wash, cleaner away and then notice another turdlette(my word for the mini log that dogs like to squeeze off 1-2 feet away from the main event) that I have managed to step on and grind into the carpet.  Tears and snot now flow as does the very very bad words mumbled under my breath with ferocity - a girl can only take so much $hit before she becomes completely unglued!

Hubby comes down the stairs and notes that, "Whoa, it stinks in here!"  Thanks for the newsflash skipper!  Little dude comes down grinning - "Daddy is a super hero!"  I refrain from asking what his super power is - perhaps he has a hyper sense of smell????  Instead I ask why?  One word sentences are all I can muster.

"He got my toy out of the drain!"

So there was today - I cooked, entertained, and cleaned.  Hubs rescued a toy from the drain.  He's also a super hero! Me - I'm eating chocolate.